Stage Actress Certain Coronavirus Is To Blame For Light Audience Turnout
Sources say a local actress blamed the recent coronavirus pandemic for the lack of audience members at her one-woman show this weekend.
By Jay Miller
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- Sources say a local actress blamed the recent coronavirus pandemic for the lack of audience members at her one-woman show this weekend.
"That's gotta be it," said Lori Howitzer, the performer in question. "They're all afraid of the virus, and that's why they didn't come. There's no other explanation for why my friends and family wouldn't show."
Howitzer went on to explain that her one-woman show, 'Lori's Story,' told the story of her life from her birth to the present day. While there were some attendees at her Saturday matinee, those that replied 'going' and 'maybe' to her Facebook invitation were absent.
"That's part of it," said Rebecca Sharp, one of Howitzer's co-workers. "Pretty much everyone is at least a little bit worried about the virus, but I was also pretty taken aback when I heard the runtime was over three hours. If Lori asks, though, the others and I stayed home because of the virus."
Others echoed the same sentiments that Howitzer invited, including her family members.
"Lori is so creative," said Barbara Howitzer, Lori's mother. "But her father and I have to be careful. We're not getting any younger, and this bug targets older folks, you know. Also, Lori's father fell asleep during her last performance, and his snoring hurt her feelings, so it's probably best to stay away from the theater, to be safe."
At press time, Howitzer reached out to our staff and offered us free tickets to her next performance, which reminded us that we were feeling under the weather but would love to come out to the next one.
Marvel Fan Waits 20 Minutes After Improv Show
San Francisco native Brian Cho waited patiently for 20 minutes after a local improv show just in case there was a post-credits scene, sources say.
By Jay Miller
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- San Francisco native Brian Cho waited patiently for 20 minutes after a local improv show just in case there was a post-credits scene, sources say.
“I wanted to be sure,” said Cho. “How dumb would I feel if I paid for a ticket, left right after the show ended and found out later that I missed a post-credits scene? I’d feel pretty dumb, especially considering I’d be missing out on content I technically paid for.”
After waiting for 20 minutes, Cho was the last remaining audience member in the Rodeo Improv Theater. It reportedly took staff several minutes to convince him there was nothing else to see.
“He refused to leave,” said Amanda Pelley, a performer at Rodeo. “I tried to explain that the show was over and that we just wanted to close up and head down the block for some drinks. He kept insisting there might be a teaser for next week’s show.”
Pelley went on to explain that the only way the theater staff could get rid of Cho was to get the team back on stage to perform a short teaser for the following week’s show.
“That seemed to satisfy him,” said Don Perkins, one of Pelley’s fellow improvisers. “Even if all we did was a one-minute scene with a couple callbacks to the show and a stupid little cliffhanger. Yeah, it was a weird night but at least it’s just this once.”
At press time, the team was horrified to see Cho sitting in the audience for their show the following week, awaiting yet another post-credits scene. These events have repeated weekly over the past two months and are expected to continue until the theater closes its doors for good.
Local Man Super Psyched for Improv Show Suggestion
A Chicago native, has not been to an improv show before but claims to have seen every episode of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ to date and something was missing.
By Jay Miller
CHICAGO, Ill. -- Comedy genius Michael Disher wrote ‘dildo,’ along with a number of other hilarious words on a list of suggestions he plans to shout at an improv show this weekend.
“It’s gonna be sick,” said Disher. “When they ask for a suggestion, I’m gonna yell ‘dildo’ as loud as I can from the back of the room. If they don’t use it for their scene, I’ll definitely interpret it as them not hearing me and yell it a little louder the next time.”
Disher, a Chicago native, has not been to an improv show before but claims to have seen every episode of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ to date. While he enjoyed the show, he always thought something was missing.
“Whose Line is great,” said Disher. “But I always felt like the audience suggestions could use a little drizzle of raunch. I mean, everyone knows sex is the funniest thing in the world, so there’s no reason it shouldn’t pop up more. Really, I’m performing a public service more than anything. Here, take a look at these.”
The list, as expected, was very funny. While ‘dildo’ was certainly the star of the list, suggestions such as ‘gynecologist’ and ‘stripper’ were other highlights the improvisers will surely be amused by and thankful to hear.
“It is, of course, a very funny word,” said Dr. Warren Lewis, a Chicago-based professor and comedy analyst. “Possibly the funniest there is. Just say it. ‘Dildo.’ See? The other suggestions Mr. Disher has prepared are marvelous in their own rights but this one is pure genius. The performers and other audience members are sure to be ecstatic.”
At press time, Disher had delivered his prepared suggestions to the raucous laughter and applause of his fellow audience members, who laughed more at the word ‘dildo’ than they did at the professional improvisers performing that night’s ‘Harold’ show.